The Science of Love by Lindsay Tran
Many groundbreaking studies measured how the body reacts when individuals are shown photos of that special someone. According to the article by Havard Medical School “Love and the Brain,” Research Helen Fisher and her colleagues compared 2,500 brain scans comparing college students' brain activity when viewing a photo of someone they loved versus an acquaintance. The research found increased activity in brain regions associated with dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved with reward, pleasure, mood regulation, and attention. The chemicals in our brain when we fall in love contribute to physical and emotional responses such as racing hearts, sweaty palms, flushed cheeks, and feelings of passion and anxiety (Havard, 2015). These scientific implications help us understand why it feels good when starting new romantic connections. Oxytocin and Vasopressin are the feel-good chemicals responsible for deepened sentiments for couples and are released through skin-to-skin contact, physical touch, sexual intercourse, eg. These love chemicals formulate feelings of security, attachment, and contentment, all of which are qualities that allow relationships to thrive!
Love, being a fulfilling and powerful emotion, can affect our brain in the opposite way. On the other hand, our body also experiences increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol during the initial phase leading to depleted levels of serotonin supporting the idea that love is sometimes stressful. You might be familiar with the idea that love makes people go “wild” or “crazy.” Well, there is some reason behind this idea because love directly impacts the neural pathways that are responsible for judgment.
Have you ever felt consumed with the thoughts of a potential love interest when it was difficult to eat or sleep? Or find yourself remembering subtle miniscule details of a person such as the color of their shoes or the scent of their cologne? We can hold Serotonin and Norepinephrine neurochemicals responsible for these phenomena as the exciting and frequent thoughts impact how we behave and our judgment when in love. This is why we’re more inclined to make impulsive decisions such as moving in or getting married as fast as a couple of weeks (Anderson, 2015). Regardless, love is a practice shared universally across all cultures and the previous findings allow us to discover the most effective ways to engage in loving, healthy relationships.
Building and Maintaining a Healthy Relationship by Melanie Zepeda
When looking at important characteristics that play a vital role in the development and foundation of a healthy relationship, four of them typically come to mind: boundaries, communication, trust, and consent. These four characteristics help distinguish a healthy relationship from an unhealthy relationship, and in severe cases, an abusive relationship.
Here are some ways to establish these four important foundations of a healthy relationship:
Boundaries
When discussing boundaries with your partner, it is important to ask yourself what your boundaries are (New York, n.d.). Once you know your boundaries, being able to tell your partner your boundaries establishes a line that should not be crossed, and also establishes a healthy form of communication.
Communication
With communication, it is important to be honest and open with your partner. At times, there may be some events of miscommunication, which is typically common in relationships, however, it is important to work through these miscommunications to avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Knowing when to listen and speak using “I statements” can help with trust and honesty, and can reduce the feeling of attacking your partner when discussing miscommunications or disagreements.
Trust
In any healthy relationship, trust takes time to form, and can be especially difficult to form if you or your partner have been hurt or have had their trust broken in the past. Being able to be reliable, honest, and respect the boundaries of the other individual will help establish trust over time. When thinking about trust, it is important to keep this saying in mind: “Do what you say and say what you mean” (New York, n.d.).
Consent
A key aspect of a healthy relationship that ties together boundaries, communication, and trust is consent. Consent involves respecting each other and agreeing that you both are clearly and willing to engage in sexual acts together. Each individual should be able to make decisions about what they engage in and the decisions they make about their body.
When it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship, most of the research comes from the Gottman Institute, which has devoted most of its time to studying relationships. Steering away from “Gottman’s Four Horsemen”, which can predict the end of a relationship, can help with maintaining communication, trust, boundaries, and consent, which in turn helps maintain a healthy relationship.
Gottman’s Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Here’s what they mean and how to avoid each of the four horsemen:
Criticism
Criticism, the first of the four horsemen, acts as an attack on your partner rather than critiquing the specific issue that needs to be confronted. By criticizing, you dismantle the whole being of the individual, which can be seen as belittling the other person (Lisitsa, 2024). To avoid criticism in a relationship, it’s best to start statements with a gentle start-up that includes an “I statement” and addresses positive needs.
Contempt
With contempt, communication is typically sarcastic and disrespectful, and can often include name-calling, eye-rolling, and scoffing. In this stage, the other person feels despised and worthless. Rather than being on the same team, like in a healthy relationship, one partner belittles and positions themselves in a spot of moral superiority. This stage can also affect your physical well-being, with being more likely to suffer from infections due to a weakened immune system. To combat contempt, it’s best to show appreciation for the positive actions in a relationship and remind yourself of the positive qualities your partner has.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism and is usually present when we feel unjustly accused of something. In this stage, we look for excuses and play the victim, which makes your partner feel as if their concerns are not being taken seriously or are not valid concerns. It ends up escalating the conflict further rather than taking responsibility for the concerns your partner discusses. Being able to accept responsibility and listen to your partner’s concerns helps with avoiding defensiveness. The concerns of your partner should be taken seriously and with an open mind to avoid further conflict.
Stonewalling
The fourth of the four horsemen, stonewalling can be seen as a response to contempt. With stonewalling, the listener withdraws from the conversation and tunes out their partner during a disagreement. This is an evasive maneuver to avoid conflict but ends up creating more conflict in the relationship since the issue in the disagreement is not being confronted. One of the main ways to avoid stonewalling is to ask your partner to take a step back or take a break from the conversation. Being able to take a 20-minute break from the conversation and doing something to help you relax will allow you to return to the conversation with a clear mind.
Being able to establish a foundation for a healthy relationship is highly important for the survival of a relationship. With a relationship built on consent, boundaries, communication, and trust, it will make getting through difficult times and disagreements a lot easier with your partner. Also, being able to avoid Gottman’s Four Horsemen in your relationship can help maintain the relationship that you’ve established with your partner. Although it takes time to create a healthy relationship for both you and your partner, having a guide for the foundations of a healthy relationship and knowing how to maintain it can help you succeed.
Attachment by Phoenix Greicius
If you’ve taken any psychology course before, you’ve likely learned about John Bowlby’s ideas that attachment is instinctive and evolutionarily advantageous (Mcleod, 2024a). You’ve also probably learned about Mary Ainsworth’s strange situation experiment and how infants displayed different patterns of attachment behavior when separated from their caregivers (Mcleod, 2024b). These concepts of attachment and attachment styles extend beyond infancy and into adulthood. In fact, the idea of attachment styles and how they apply to romantic relationships has become very popular. A quick Google search of “attachment style quiz” will yield several results and each of them will classify you as either “Secure,” “Preoccupied,” “Fearful,” or “Disorganized.”
Here’s a quick breakdown of each of the four attachment styles (Huang, 2024):
Secure individuals are comfortable with being emotionally intimate with others and have the ability to depend on others while maintaining their independence.
Preoccupied individuals are more dependent on others and tend to seek out intimate relationships more often
Fearful individuals simultaneously desire intimacy and fear vulnerability, sometimes resulting in unpredictable relationships
Dismissive individuals are more independent and may seem indifferent to intimate relationships
There has also been some research focused on attachment styles specifically among college students. Konrath et al.’s (2014) meta-analysis found that secure attachment styles have decreased in recent years among American college students. They also discovered that insecure attachment styles (preoccupied, fearful, and dismissive) have increased, with the dismissive attachment style having increased the most. The study did not research why this pattern exists, but they offered a variety of potential reasons. They suggested that young adults today may prioritize self-achievement more, rely less on their families, and use more social media and technology. It’s important to note that recent research has suggested attachment styles are more dimensional, rather than categorical (Lubiewska & Van de Vijver, 2020). Still, learning about these different attachment styles and categories can be helpful for some. By reflecting on your attachment behaviors, you may have a deeper and better understanding of yourself and your relationships with others.
References
Anderson, K. R. (2015, July 24). Why falling in Love clouds our judgment. YourTango. https://www.yourtango.com/experts/professor-kimberly-resnick-anderson/why-falling-love-clouds-our-judgment
Huang, S. (2024, January 23). Attachment styles and how they affect adult relationships. SimplyPsychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html
Konrath, S. H., Chopik, W. J., Hsing, C. K., & O’Brien, E. (2014). Changes in adult attachment styles in American college students over time: A meta-analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 18(4), 326–348. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868314530516
Lisitsa, E. (2024). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/.
Love and the brain. Harvard Medical School. (2015). https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brain#:~:text=In%20addition%20to%20the%20positive%20feelings%20romance%20brings%2C,positive%20and%20negative%20feelings%20involve%20two%20neurological%20pathways
Lubiewska, K., & Van de Vijver, F. J. R. (2020). Attachment categories or dimensions: The Adult Attachment Scale across three generations in Poland. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 233-259. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519860594
Mcleod, S. (2024a, January 24). John Bowlby’s attachment theory. SimplyPsychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html
Mcleod, S. (2024b, January 17). Mary Ainsworth: Strange situation experiment and attachment theory. SimplyPsychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html
What does a healthy relationship look like?. The State of New York. (n.d.).
https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look.